Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
