i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
