Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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