I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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