My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
