did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
