I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
