I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Who put my cat in the fridge?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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