you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
