every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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