My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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