I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Girls should come with a carfax report
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
