she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
