Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
