pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
