go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now