i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
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new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
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The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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