Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
