Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize