dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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