I wish I could punch you in the face.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
