A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
