Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
