You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
