the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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