I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
