If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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