You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
