P.S. I can't hear my feet
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
