I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
