She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
