just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
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