His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
