i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
