i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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