you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
