....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
