Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
