he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
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