he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I think a kid would responsible me up
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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