the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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