It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
