I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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