11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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