I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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