pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
