No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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