Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
