Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
