i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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