If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
