So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
