i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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