you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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