he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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