DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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